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A New Beginning

NEWS – my events for August are confirmed! Please read on and check out the up-coming events on the site for further information.

I can’t believe we are in August already! Half of 2015 is gone! This year seems to be just flying by. It made me realize that whatever I want to do, I really need to “carpe diem”. Having the title “A New Beginning” for the start of the 2nd half of the year seems to feel just right!

Sorry that I didn’t write a blog for the month of July. I had every intention to write it but my senses said “please wait until I feel myself again”.

It took me a lot more and much longer than expected to get adjusted to the new life with a new baby. I felt energetically so overwhelmed and suffocated at home even when everyone was asleep. Seriously, all I could think of at night when in bed was how to run away from home, even for the tiniest space I could get. My on-going post natal issues were not helping either. One week the doctor said surgery was likely then the following week not so likely then again likely. The last thing I wanted after a c-section was another surgery, and that weekly changeable situation was quietly weighing me down.

My well being was far from being well. I felt fine one day, then depressed the next day, then numb the day after, then tears came out, then I felt sluggish, then I felt fine again. That cycle went on and on. No matter how much yoga I did, how often I meditated, how many coffee breaks I took, I simply couldn’t break that cycle and the suffocating feeling. Deep inside me, I saw no life in life and no purpose in living. It’s totally unlike me. It was getting terribly frustrating, if not somewhat alarming.

When I told my doctor how I was feeling, thinking it might be a post natal hormonal issue, he suggested me to see a psychiatrist, worrying that I might fall into a depression with this cycle going on, given my history of pre and post natal depression. I shared his concern but I didn’t see the psychiatrist, knowing rather well from my last visit that he was most likely to give me some pills which I didn’t want. And more importantly, I didn’t feel connected to him at all on a personal level.

One day, I told my husband how I felt and what the doctor said. He suggested that perhaps we ought to start going out more often as a couple to break that homely pattern we had somehow set ourselves in. That was a simple idea but a rather welcomed one specially having been cocooned at home for so long during pregnancy and confinement. Slowly, I found I had something to look forward to, if not a night out as an escape from home initially. I also found quite a bit of help in essential oil for my emotional needs. And I made a very conscious effort to focus on healing my well being rather than doing anything.

It took me quite a while to fine tune myself to myself, to listen to and understand what my well being needed in a place where I couldn’t see or feel myself clearly, and to experiment what worked and what didn’t. I certainly didn’t fancy falling into a depression mode again as I still remember vividly how much I wanted to throw myself off the balcony every day even though we were only on the 4th floor at a time, and how dark each day seemed with an angel talking to a devil in my head, one said “choose to live” whereas the other one said “choose to die”, when I had pre-natal depression previously. Every day was like a gigantic dark hole and life was like a horror movie.

Now that I am well, it’s time to start making a new beginning.

Since our return from our summer break, I made contact with a few places to see if I could host some regular events for my new initiative. One event, I name it as “The Gathering”, will be a regular gathering whereby women can talk about and share what they are going through, or simply just sit in and listen if they prefer. I feel that, more often than not, our closest friends and partners are not always the best people to go to when it comes to deep personal issues. Hence, I decided to hold a space for that. Talks and workshops are also in the pipeline so that I can teach and share what I have learned in my own journey.

The last couple of months, quite a few people that I know were making a new start somewhere or facing some difficult decisions. When I listened to what they were going through, I really felt that what I was planning to do was extremely valid.

A friend is torn between staying with her husband for the sake of her children or moving on with her life as she desires. People around her are not supportive of her splitting up with the husband even though the relationship no longer serves her. She is caught between moving on and starting a new life, or living her life for others or as expected by others. No matter what she chooses, someone is going to be unhappy.

When we met, I let her talk so that she had an outlet which was not against her desire. Even as a friend, I am in no position to tell or advise her what to do. It’s her life and she has to go through the process in choosing what’s right for her. However, I did suggest that she were to make her decision, no matter how hard it might be, based on the strongest reason that she felt for as that very reason would then become her grounding rod as she moved forward in life. No matter what challenges she would face, she would find strength in herself, knowing very well why she chose what she chose regardless of what people would say to, or about, her.

Life decisions are often difficult to make but that’s why we learn and grow. They give us the opportunities to look at ourselves in a way that we don’t normally do. I feel that each time when there is a change, I learn a bit more about life and myself. I don’t know how my life will turn out but I don’t want to put too much focus on the outcome which is so far away. All I can do is to see through what’s in front of me. Happiness and peace comes naturally when we trust and align ourselves to our knowing and reason, even when doubts still find their places in our minds.

I say that as I know that very well right now. No matter how much I trust my knowing about getting myself out there to mentor women, doubts still creep in – will people turn up? Will they find me of service? I can indeed let the doubts, if not the fear, stop me from doing what feels right. After all, it’s just a knowing. But then again, in my world, a knowing speaks louder than a thousand words.

Happy new beginnings as we go into the 2nd half of 2015!

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