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The relationship with Self

There are plenty of relationships that we experience in our lives. Some are closer than the others, some are more important, some are more meaningful, some are more intense, some are more fun, and maybe some are just wishy washy.

No matter what and how they are, they are here to serve us in some ways, if we let them and if we know how to choose them. However, the most important relationships in our lives is not the one with our partners, our parents or our best friends. It is the one with ourselves, and it is also the one which we often ignore and neglect.

When there is an issue with someone, we often are quick in saying he or she is not getting this, he or she is just not right, he or she is not good enough, he or she is too selfish or generous… The “he or she…” always comes before us.

All relationships start with us, not them. We only need to take care of the relationships within ourselves, and ourselves only. All other relationships are taken care of by themselves if we let them be. We have subconsciously in some way become manipulators, dictators or judges in most of the relationships that we have but not the one that is within us.

When we say people just don’t see what we see is really because they don’t see what we see no matter how clear and simple it may be. What we see, the majority of it, is down to our personal experience, our characters, our personalities, our IQ and EQ, our backgrounds, our upbringings and our cultures. The list goes on and on. The simple word “see” is comprised of many layers of substance underneath. So how can we simply expect or assume one can see things in the same way as we do, or to act or even think like us? After all, we are all different.

On top of that, what we are going through in life, at different stages with different situation, can also make our minds foggy. Our vision becomes less clear than when it is at its optimal function. In addition, our readiness to “see” also plays a crucial factor – a factor that is often not included in the equation.

We see what we choose to see, and we certainly cannot help people to see what we see when they are not ready to see. Some people perhaps really can’t quite see it. Some perhaps can see it but choose not to acknowledge it for whatever reasons. Everything, including the readiness in us, has its own unique timing and space, hence the flow in life. When we understand the dynamics of seeing, perhaps we can change our direction from criticizing or complaining about someone or a situation to seeing and reflecting upon ourselves.

How we feel, how people feel, a lot of it is the energy that we create and co-create. We can choose to criticize, we can choose to complain, and indeed we can choose to see and we can choose to reflect.

When the relationship with ourselves is at peace, our minds are calm so our hearts can lead, then we can see. When we can see, then we can see and see through people. We won’t be so quick to say the “he or she is…” but rather, we will say “I am…”.

When the source comes back to “I am”, all issues and problems with people will slowly ease off.

This applies to all relationships, including situations at work. Being gung ho at work does work but being the “I am” also has the same impact, most likely with less fiction and intensity amongst people if not with more harmony and team spirit. We are quick in firing someone when he doesn’t perform as well as expected but the person who hires him is just as responsible. How often does that person get fired?

The cut throat rat race scenario provides very little room and space for anyone to grow, let alone feeling good about oneself. The “I am” has almost no room to exist, and we wonder why so many people feel so burnt out at work these days.

The work involved in achieving the state of “I am” is simple but it requires a lot of self reflection. Self reflection takes a lot of time and patience. We have to quiet the mind in order to give space to the heart, then we can work on ourselves. Self reflection also requires a lot of self digging, often digging into holes that we don’t want to see or deal with. That includes the past that we may not want to revisit, the present issues that we don’t want to face and the fear that we may have for the future. This trio is not static, therefore, our work on self is on-going.

When the Self is in a good space, we can easily choose what and who we want to surround ourselves with. People that matter, how we choose to engage ourselves with different people in different situation. When our heads are cool and clear, we will be more able to readily walk away from a relationship when it no longer serves, approach a relationship in a better way or choose more mindfully with whom we spend time, instead of tangling ourselves up with the talk of “he or she is…”. Only when we can Be, do we have the capacity and ability to let others Be.

The more we look after The Self, the more wholesome and peaceful we become, and the better the relationships we will have with ourselves and others. That leads to the ultimate personal development and growth. So let’s put our To Do list aside for awhile and let’s get our spades out and start digging.

 

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